Brandon Colker Is At It Again

Brandon Colker Is At It Again

It’s that time again. Coffee guru and good friend, Brandon Colker, has once again gone out of his way to acquire some very rare (very expensive) coffee beans. But first, some back story:

Kopi Luwak is coffee made from combining coffee berries and Asian palm civets. Here’s a picture:


“Wait a minute,” you may say. “Asian palm civets are animals and those look distinctly like lawn sausages, not coffee berries.”

You have a keen eye and an astute intellect, reader. Kopi Luwak is indeed made from civet poop. The civet eats coffee berries whole and what comes out is apparently a pure, robust, and very valuable form of coffee.

So what does this have to do with my good friend, Brandon Colker? Well, it just so happens that the guy went to Vietnam and bought himself some of this rare and delectable refuse straight from the source. He also decided it would be fun not to tell yours truly where the coffee came from or what it was called. Since I am good friends with Brandon Colker and a trusting and sincere person, I tried a cup of what he called “an $80 cup of coffee.”

Let me tell you, dear reader… not only are you armed with the knowledge that this stuff is made from poop… but now you can be sure that it is 100% not worth the time, money, or effort to purchase. In fact, I went ahead and did some research (Wikipedia) on Kopi Luwak and what did I find? Read for yourself:

In the coffee industry, kopi luwak is widely regarded as a gimmick or novelty item. The Specialty Coffee Association of America (SCAA) states that there is a “general consensus within the industry … it just tastes bad”. A coffee professional cited in the SCAA article was able to compare the same beans with and without the kopi luwak process using a rigorous coffee cupping evaluation. He concluded: “it was apparent that Luwak coffee sold for the story, not superior quality…Using the SCAA cupping scale, the Luwak scored two points below the lowest of the other three coffees. It would appear that the Luwak processing diminishes good acidity and flavor and adds smoothness to the body, which is what many people seem to note as a positive to the coffee.”

That’s strange, readers… Brandon Colker isn’t one to be fooled so easily by novelty items. He’s a much more enthusiastic coffee drinker (indeed, a better coffee disciple) than I am. He knows his stuff. He is, however, one to go to extreme lengths to play a joke on someone… and play a joke he did, it seems…

Readers, rest assured… I am not defeated. I just had a bad, bad, really bad cup of coffee this morning. I will win this war if it’s the last thing I do. When I do, you can be sure I’ll have the same smirk on my face as this jerk here:

Brandon Colker